I wish I could tell you that I was a stellar student who got into university with a scholarship, who was on honour roll, who gained high academic standings, or was recognized for one thing or another, but I wasn’t. I was just average. I never felt that I needed to put an effort in anything that I did, and now more than ever I regret it, but regret can only get so far right.
I stopped attending university last winter term. I never expected I’d leave it,
“They plot and plan, and Allah too plans; but Allah is the best of planners”.
I give people different reasons why depending one the person asking me. I really actually don’t know the reason myself. I only went into university because I didn’t want to be “left out”, a statistic, the one who never made it.
Alhamdulilah for everything. I thought it was a very difficult decision for me, except there are people going through struggles I could barely wrap my mind around. So I can only be humble and thankful for the blessings I’m bestowed. Some would kill to switch places with me, and yet here I am taking what I’ve been given for granted. I think that’s what’s really eating away at me. Some are far more deserving of this opportunity, and their capabilities far exceed mine, yet still, it is I, that Allah has provided this chance for and not them.
“But you cannot will it unless God wills [to show you that way]: for, behold, God is indeed all-seeing, wise.”
I read and hear of all the people who migrate to the west, in hopes of seeking a better education; who leave their families and entire life behind. I hear and learn of their struggle; of where they came from, and what they’ve experienced and what they’ve accomplished. They had so many barriers to overcome, including an entire new language to learn, yet they overcame all those obstacles in their journey and now they own doctorate degrees in scientific fields, in mathematical fields, in fields of social science etc… they’ve contributed to new innovative technologies, they’ve constructed better systems, they’ve contributed so much, and I’m here able bodied, sound mind, doing nothing useful. THAT REALLY AFFECTS ME. I’m here complaining about the educational system and the content of what I’m being taught, I’m here half-assing, if even that, all my school work, and there’re kids in places on this earth who envy the letters I know. That fucks me up. I ask my self repetitively, what will I answer to Him when he holds me accountable, and I have no response. I’m terrified of what He’ll think of me. Then again He states in His holy book, Surah 13:11
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron.”
About comparing ones struggles with others though, I think its a good reminder to ground oneself and remain humble, I mean what better way to learn and mature than to develop an understanding of your issues and how to overcome them but it is extremely important to keeping them in perspective, because that is not what many people do. Looking at the bigger picture humbles you but you are allowed to feel upset about things happening to you, never feel despaired to the point of greed though, that’s where it becomes problematic.
If I were to give you an example:
chipping a nail for a hand model is nothing in comparison to a little boy who just lost his entire arm because a bomb was detonated in his path
I nail can grow back and you could have a prosthetic one on for the time being
but it will never ever compare to the child who has an entire prosthetic arm as he will never grow an arm back.
What’s’ ridiculous is the fact that the hand model may equate it to the child who has lost his arm, but to anyone who isn’t a hand model, they’ll think of it as a minor issue, perspective is key
Back to education…
First year I started off majoring in human rights, and then I switched into psychology approximately a week into school. Even though I switched majors, I still continued taking the human rights course for a semester. I liked both human rights and psychology. The main reason why I ended up dropping human rights second term is because I really didn’t enjoy learning about European history and its politics. People say history is selectively written, bias by the definition of the conqueror. Except I’m in their land, among their culture, I must better understand them and know their history, I must know the good and the bad. I must learn of their accomplishments and injustices they’ve done to the world I must first educate myself about them. Anyway, I HATE POLITICS. I know virtually nothing on it but bare basics. However what I have concluded is that it is responsible for approximately 45% of the worlds problems, the 5% are corporations and people in power who spread it and the 50% are the gullible ignorant humans who make it possible. Politics has seeped its way into religion and poisoned the people’s minds. Did you know that democracy is haram in Islam.
“Truth is not measured in mass appeal: Rule of the Majority does not take into consideration tyranny by the majority. Truth is Justice. The minds of men are susceptible to change of opinion by whims and desires. Only One is able to transcend the boundaries of man’s subjectivity.”
“If the truth were according to their desires, the heavens, the earth and all within them would be corrupted." (23:71)”
There is so much I need to learn about Islam.
Back to my education though, I’m still enlisted at the university; however, for the winter term I withdrew from all my courses and decided to scrap psych. I’m currently unrolled in a high school credit course… I didn’t take my maths past mixed math in high school. Now I have to earn a whole bunch of credits so that when I do return to university I’m able to get into the mathematical field of study. I’m leaning towards the Engineering faculty, maybe industrial design. I have to take advanced functions 3U (grade 11) and 4U (grade 12) because I only completed functions and applications, which is mixed math collage/university level. I have to take calculus and vectors, I also have to take 3U and 4U physics and French =/ I’m not even entirely sure what I want to major in let alone when I’m going to graduate. I’m really lost in life at this moment.
When I’m done though, I know for damn sure that I don’t want to stay in this country so I’m looking to move to a Muslim country and strengthen my deen in shaa Allah.
tbh I put up too many barriers “excusing” me from really achieving anything a level above mediocrity. I still can’t figure out why; so much for majoring in psych ey. But I’d like to further delve into the vast fruitive knowledge of Islam, because Allah has perfected this religion and therefore life’s relevance to it is all I really need to know. I don’t think I could ever come close enough to encapsulate all that knowledge and perhaps I’ll never grow wise, and maybe that is what discourages me, so for right now I need to learn to deal and overcome and commit to attain what I want.
I hope that made sense.